• Tiye Naeemah Cort

You Want a Gummy?

A reactive recap of Atlanta S3, Ep7

I love Van’s hairstyle… and I have not yet tried the gold or silver hoops in my locs, but I'm thinking it may be time.

I love how getting ready to go out is hair, makeup, and rolling a blunt. Girl talk always consists of talking about our relative guys and situationships, but talk of sex and birth control definitely sneak their way in there.

Lesson #1: Real friends will tell you when you’re doing too much on your Instagram page, and they'll toast to ridiculous things like IUDs. I’ve engaged in the former, not so much the latter.

Fun Story: I remember a time when I went to Atlanta with some friends and we ended up at a shady “party” that consisted of one man and one girl in a hotel room. He asked us to stay. We did not.

So, now we get into dark vans loaded with girls that are heading to “Drake’s party,” and we’re cool with it? I have a feeling that someone will die tonight.

This mansion is kinda dope though. Maybe they won’t all die tonight.

Everyone stepping out of the van looks like they clicked on a Fashion Nova ad on Instagram. Very Atlanta.

Ethiopian passports required for the video shoot. Very Drake.

There is always that one girl who tries to get into the party who just doesn’t belong there. A fake invite? Please step to the side, sis.

“Instagram, Stepford wife- looking” haha. That’s a description. A bit antithetical, but I get it.

Bring your friends to the party, and they just wanna meet Drake. Duh. I think I would be down for the adventure of mingling and walking around until I just run into him.

“You want a gummy?” I would probably take the gummy, but experience has taught me to chill with 1/2 and call it a day. I’m the friend in the mustard dress who didn’t want to chew it at first. She knew better, but peer pressure to chill out got the best of her. Watch someone catch a bad trip in this episode… she's going to freak out and think that she's dying. I'm calling it.

Love the jumpsuit on the girl on the mechanical bull, but why is it moving so slow?

“Thot-a-thon” yet another amazing term.

Dang, see. Girl in the brown is high. She shouldn’t have eaten the whole gummy!

Van, stop thinking about Earn.

OMG, she thinks she’s dying and she called 9-1-1! This is like deja vu. And Van being the friend to calm her down… this brings me back to Negril in 2012. I SO called this.

Another Fun Story: Now, I'm not saying that I have ever tried edibles but, if I did, I would remember a trip to Negril where I decided to eat another bite of a brownie after "not feeling anything," closing my eyes and seeing scenes from "Planet of the Apes" and feeling like I was on a cloud, then a roller coaster, freaking out and making my friend turn off all the lights, thinking I was dying (literally feeling like I was in a hospital on my death bed, surrounded by loved ones), and then passing out for two days. I would remember waking up on that 2nd day and going horseback riding and zip-lining, flying home the day after, back to Atlanta the day after that, and not feeling "normal" for about a week. If I did .

Van finds a dude who magically has a bottle of water. Girl… is the bottle unopened? Why doesn’t it seem full?

Lesson #2: NEVER leave your high friend, who is tripping and thinks that she's dying, alone. She will think she's going insane or wander off.

Of course, high friend ain’t where you left her! Why did you leave her?

OK, adventure time- Van is walking down a secret staircase in Drake’s house. This stranger guy compliments her dress with all the cut-outs- how unexpected. “Drake’s nutritionist is my cousin.” Ummm, OK, but who, sir, are you? Van must be high even though she is asking questions that make sense. Yeah, go charge your phone in the bathroom, girl. Lock the door, too. Ugh, I’m so glad she got rid of this annoying man outside the bathroom. What was he trying to do, for real?

Lesson #3: Don’t get separated from the group at a huge party. I actually need to know where someone in the group is. We're grown, but we're still women, high, and surrounded by Instagram strangers. Also, it is THE WORST, especially when you’re high and paranoid.

I have a feeling that Van is about to find Drake. These bathrooms are quite grand. Marble is probably not the smartest material for a bathroom counter since it is so porous, but I digress. It doesn’t look like the bathroom is used much anyway. Also, these bathrooms are giving me more of a Gaudi DJ Khaled vibe than Drake.

Girl. You’re in Drake’s closet and putting on his jacket. Why does it fit her, though? This must be a jacket from his slim days. Free souvenir if you never meet Drake.

OMG. Brown dress friend met Darius. She’s super high, and we can never tell if he’s high. Perfect match. She’s so calm. OK. They’re both high.

This friend in black really does NOT like the fact that homeboy is with a white girl.

OK, I love Van's new Drake jacket and I want it.

Lesson #3: Don’t leave the venue without your girl! I mean, a T-Pain party sounds amazing, but wasn't this the friend who drove everyone to the van? How are they getting home? Ugh, I don't like her. She's flaky.

Hahaha, stank eye to the white girl! The white girl should have just not responded to black dress girl. Granted, this is not the time or the place for the white privilege lesson, but damn. And then Devian just says “sorry”? OK, so maybe the BS was called for. This opens up the whole conversation about black men dating white girls. Maybe she is a good woman. Maybe she was shooting with him in the gym. But he knows what it looks like to some black women when he brings her to this kind of party. I know he knows because he came over looking sheepish as hell and apologized. Fool.

Van, what are you doing? Who is this Spanish-speaking man in the weird dark room? Van is high. Super high. Drake ain’t even there, girl. You’re talking to his abuelo.

Drake is on tour, and all these ladies have been posting fake pics with Drake cutouts. I'm loving the hustle. Now, I'm tempted to look through these "influencers" Insta pages to see if they were real pics with celebs but, you know, I have a life.

I bet Candace met T-Pain at his party. Maybe if everyone stayed with the group, y’all could have all met T- Pain.

Yes, it is ALL. FAKE. The cut-outs. The girl dancing in the pool. All simulations. Word to Darius.

Dang, everyone is walking? Like, nobody could call an uber? Why is Darius walking? How did he get there? “Drake’s Mexican.”… I feel like he is probably more apt to claim Dominican Republic, but great Donald Gloverish way to end the episode with such a one-liner.

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