• Tiye Naeemah Cort

Who Keeps Letting Earn Book These Gigs?

Welcome back, Earn! We haven’t seen you since Teddy tried to kill Darius!

Look at you, got Paper Boi some lucrative opportunities- OK then, Mr. Manager! So apparently $60K means nothing to Paper Boi anymore. He’s more concerned about his life and ish, grabbing his gun off the table and packing up his backpack for the next big adventure!

And Tracy… what are you doing in the house acting like Bruhman from upstairs, pulling things out the fridge like you live there, and straight up eating their food? I bet you Darius made that. Tracy might regret eating that later...

Yup, don’t tell Tracy anything about the money. We all have those friends that you don’t talk about money with because they’ll want in on some shady tip. You know exactly who I'm talking about- that one person who you know can flip things so fast and always knows about some deal or new "investment."

Umm, what you mean, there is no hotel? Earn, you were doing so well, but this doesn’t sound like Air Bnb, this sounds like you found some Instagram girl and took a horrible chance at getting all of y’all robbed and killed. Darius is talking about these Instagram THOTS like he knows what’s up... because he knows what’s up.

I don’t know why no-one ever listens to Darius. He may always be high, and a little bit crazy, but when he isn't risking his life for rainbow pianos, he is usually the smartest one in the bunch.

Tracy reminds me of my puppy- always thinks he’s coming along for the ride. Paper Boi reminds me of me because he actually lets him come along.

Earn is driving, Tracy is paranoid and thinks they’re being followed. Tracy is that person that you invite out of pity, then think “you know what, maybe this won’t be too bad,” and then he speaks. I can't stand backseat drivers. And what if they were being followed? What is Earn supposed to do? What are you going to do, Tracy? Should’ve left that dude at the house.

They pull up to some apartment complex. Is this the girl’s place? Of course Darius hops on the picnic table instead of just walking on the grass like a normal human being. I love him. I was watching War for the Planet of the Apes the other night, and if that wasn't an ape-reminiscent move, then I don't know what is. I'm not calling a black man an ape. I'm calling the way he maneuvered his body over that picnic table ape-reminiscent. Straight-up Caesar style. OK, moving along...

This is a shady situation: three men show up to your door and you let them in, assigning each to sleep in your roommates’ rooms. Paper Boi is staying in Violet (the hosts)'s pink room with her…. This is weird. She wastes no time, huh? Paper Boi knows something’s up, but he lays next to her on her bed, and feels that it is, indeed, much more comfortable than wherever he was going to sleep "over there." Once she said she had a dream about him, though, he should’ve known she was weird. She said she ate you and “there was blood everywhere.” Bruh. Get out. Like, now. Yes, that’s a footprint on the ceiling. It’s time to find a hotel.

Yasss, Darius in this sleep cap. Looking like a member of Jodeci around bedtime. Oh, everyone is in PJs. I get it. Silky smoov. Wait, Paper Boi is still performing at college parties?I thought we were bigger than all that. I wish that we could've seen this performance. Where was it- in a school auditorium? The gym? Tracy is convinced that he is a bodyguard because he was promised, what, $50? I love it. He is literally on patrol, watching everyone.

A Paper Boi paper? That’s cute. Yo, Tracy is serious about this security thing. A drink gets spilled on Paper Boi from the balcony, and Tracy is ON IT. It’s Paper Boi’s “roommate” from the apartment, and Tracy smushes her entire face (the most disrespectful yet hilarious thing ever) and she falls backwards down the stairs. in. slow. motion. Yo. Earn helps her up and gets smacked as a “thank you.”

Yup, time to leave. Paper Boi, did you sleep with this chick? She’s jealous that you’re literally talking to another girl like she knows you, so I’m gonna bet that you did. Paper Boi and his choice in women is forever questionable. Dang, homegirl’s brother is there, and now he wants to fight because his sister got salted. Y’all really gonna fight in your jammies? Yes, Tracy comes and saves the day with the sucker punch!

That chase scene through the school buildings looked fun as hell! OK, so now all four of them are walking through the dark streets looking like they’re about to unleash the dragon on someone (That was a Sisqo/Dru Hill reference. If you missed it, you're a baby). At this point, I'm worried because they literally have nothing with them. Please don't tell me that y'all left all of your stuff at Violet's house because, if so, you can forget about all that. She is now a woman scorned, and according to every Tyler Perry movie (most of which happen to take place in Atlanta), she is going to seek revenge!

Darius smells weed and citronella. Did I tell you how much I love this dude? Ahhh citronella to cover the smell of weed. Clever. Paper Boi is recognized by yet another white dude (I wonder how black hood rappers feel when the most non-hood white people recognize them), and he and his boys get invited inside to smoke. It’s a frat house, guys. You’re sitting on a couch in front of a huge confederate flag, smoking weed, in a room full of naked pledges.

Elephant rifles on the wall. You and Post Malone are this dude's “favorite rappers.” Umm… how are they so comfortable or so high that they don’t see this confederate flag and Darius and Tracy want to see the “gun room” in the frat house? How does any of this make sense?

I’ve never heard a white boy sing “Shake that taffy taffy.” This is weird. A bunch of naked white men snapping to this song… I got a little bit nauseous. I'm glad they didn't make it to the line "Girls call me Jolly Rancher," because that just would have been plain disrespectful. Paper Boi and Earn are high. That was too awkward and they are too chill. OK,now that the pledges are getting their mud bath, it’s time to go. Grab Darius and Tracy from the gun room and get out of there.

The conversations that happen over weed are the best. Yes, let’s talk about the real problem. Wait, is Paper Boi trying to fire Earn right now? I mean, Paper is kind of right, I don’t understand why they weren’t staying in a hotel in the first place. Ugh, Paper has been entertaining other prospects. What a conversation to have in front of a confederate flag. Family is family, but Paper Boi needs money and he has a better option, so time to secede! Bad joke, I know.

OK, so now that Boys II Men finally got out, they have to wait at the bus stop? Where is the car? Where is their stuff? Oh. There it is. That girl wrecked their car and their things are cut up and strewn all over the lawn. Even the sneakers haha. Darius: “Man, I can’t even be mad at that.” How did they cut up those sneakers? Someone must have had a machete. No kitchen knife or scissors could do that.

Violet took the laptop? Violet got violent. OK, I like Earn with a temper. He just wants his laptop. Now, I think there is a lot of pent up aggression going on with Earn, and the laptop definitely pushed him over the edge. You're not getting it back, bro. I hope there was nothing too valuable on there- what, Paper Boi's music? You won't be needing that anymore. He pulls the fire alarm then finally came to his senses. Pull the fire alarm, but then remember that y’all are a bunch of black dudes who should probably not be there when the authorities show up.

Tracy is being that dude again- talking too much when everyone’ is heated and it should really just be a quiet car ride home. Tracy, man… stole a gun from the confederate frat house. Something tells me that Tracy and Bibby are probably really good friends. Now he’s playing with the gun. He’s gonna accidentally shoot someone or something. I’m convinced. Earn has had enough. His cousin just fired him, Tracy is being annoying and childish, and Earn has no headphones to tune everyone out. He is ready to fight. Earn and Tracy, leggo! Tracy hits Earn once, and he is dazed. I think at that point, I would have faked that I had enough and cut my losses. Earn gets one good hit in, then it is over. Tracy is pulling some real WWE moves on this dude. I don’t fight. Earn shouldn’t either. We’re just… not the fighting type. But I hope he got all of that aggression out.

How awkward is it to have to get back into the same car as the dude you just tried to fight? I’m surprised Tracy didn’t turn around and ask “Is you good?” with his annoying behind. I guess he does make good security. He pushed someone, no, smushed someone down the stairs, sucker punched her brother to make sure that they all got away, then proved his strength by kicking Earn’s butt. Keep him around, but put him through some kind of training.

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