• Tiye Naeemah Cort

Lakeith and Teddy... Donald Glover Basically Wrote "Get Out, pt. II"

Recap of Atlanta S3 Ep6, "Teddy Perkins"

First of all “Sorry to Bother You” looks like it is going to be amazing- like Atlanta as a full-length movie with a touch of an adult version of Good Burger. The “white people voice” is going to be a hit because that is the realest thing I’ve ever heard. It works for refunds, discounts, and complaining, but only over the phone. In person, you just look and sound crazy.

Okay, so let’s get into this episode.

Dude is asking for borderline organic dried fruit in the hardware store. I love it. This is so classic Darius. So is choosing this hat and instantly redesigning it. Darius is such mental goals... sometimes. I’m assuming he is still somewhere in Georgia. I want to do something like that with a MAGA hat while driving through small-town Texas at some point. Wait, no I don’t. But it’s a fun thought that I wouldn’t fear for my life if I did.

Why don’t U-HAULs ever have good brakes? You hear that squeaking? That’s industry standard for a U-HAUL moving truck. I swear they only service those things once every five years. So, at first I thought that homeboy had a side hustle of moving things for people, but nah. Also, if you live so far away that I have to use a paper map instead of a GPS, that means that I should not be going to your house alone, stranger.

Umm… if the front door opens on its own, I am not stepping into the dark creepy mansion. Hello?! Why is this dude acting like he wasn’t just in Get Out…

I BUSTED out laughing at this dude in white face. Looking like some odd mixture of the original Planet of the Apes and Michael Jackson, Lord…

Theodore Perkins, but call me “Diddy”? But why? Why are the lights off? Why does he have Johnny Osmond hair? Where are his edges? How did they keep a straight face while filming this scene?

Soft-boiled ostrich egg? How are they pretending this is normal? Darius, man, the giant dragon egg is runny, dude is digging his fingers into it, and you’re just sitting there like this is normal. How, Sway?

They definitely told this dude to channel his inner Michael Jackson, but make it super creepy.

Why is white face hating on rap? Jay Z is like 65. How old is he now? 65? So… where is this piano, anyway? I don’t like the way this dude’s eyes dart around.

How is his brother super black in these pictures, yet he is super white… like Michael Jackson? Like, more white than a white person?

But where is this dude’s brother? He mentioned that he’s there. We haven’t seen him yet. No butler, just a recorder to remind himself? This is weird. Don’t drink the water when it comes. In fact, just wait outside by the U-HAUL until someone brings the piano out, man.

Why is he roaming through this dude’s house?! Okay, he really has forgotten about Get Out. Who raised you? Why you walking around this man’s house like you know him? Aww man, there are cameras. This is a horror film. His sneeze scared the ish out of me. Where is that music coming from?

You came to pick up a piano, dude goes to retrieve a glass of water for you, you’re exploring this stranger’s house and hear someone playing the piano? Okay, so you found the dude. You see the piano through the open door, upstairs. Homie. How is the piano getting down the stairs? Why is “Diddy” so sketchy about these bottles of water? Maybe a Voss? I’m surprised he didn’t offer any alkaline. Darius would go for some Essentia.

Darius is calling his friend, just like Lil’ Rel in Get Out. Once again, your black in a white man’s house and you’re walking around like this is normal. Get out. All the photos on the wall look kind of normal, and then in the last photo, he’s in a wheelchair. Diddy shushes you because Benny is sleeping, yet someone was just playing the piano.

A “2 regret Life Limit Pack” is some bullshit. I get as many regrets as I want because life. Darius, you and your fresh cut (I wonder if Bibby hooked him up) need to get the hell out of there, man. Get out. I love how Paper Boi stays annoyed by these fans. They are annoying, though. Before even saying hello, they’re asking for pics and shout-outs. How about giving the man his food first? He don’t care about the extra fries.

He called this dude a “ghoul.” Yo, what a reminder that nobody knows who Sammy Sosa is unless they’re Dominican, a baseball fan, or a Dominican baseball fan. This scene is so real, the jokes making fun of how someone looks go on for days. This morning, I texted my friend a pic of some girl we went to school with. It’s 10:30 pm. We’re still going in. I love how Paper Boi would rather be Dr. Phil than Steve Harvey. Message!

This dude is too creepy. Impromptu Polaroid photo with the psycho Wakanda pose. Why does his house have a gift shop in it? “Feel free to Twitter or Blogspot any of it.” What is Blogspot? I don’t know. Because he’s crazy. Get out.

Heavy doors that lead to a dark room, and you walk in like a dummy. He closes the huge dark squeaky doors behind you. Nigga. Get out. Never disagree with a crazy person. Darius, now is not the time to tell Teddy that he should resent his father. Ahhh, so adverse childhood experiences make you “good at life”? That’s how it works. Wow. Man, this is Michael Jackson’s life story, and Donald Glover’s genius for this “the father that drops off Emilio Estevez in The Breakfast Club” line. This script! I died.

“No, you can’t!” How many times did they have to shoot that scene! His voice squeaked when he screamed then immediately went super calm. Darius, man. GET OUT!

That awkward moment when you think to yourself “Is that blood… on the piano key?” And then you touch it and- yes, that’s blood on the piano key. Oh, now, you’re scared, Darius? Now you want to try to get the hell out of there before things get weirder? Too bad because of course the elevator passes the first floor and goes down to the creepy basement. Of course Darius gets off the elevator and walks into the creepy basement. Of course the elevator doors close behind him. Of course there’s someone down there with him. More squeaky sounds… there are a lot of squeaky sounds in this episode (the truck brakes, those huge doors, this strange figure’s wheelchair).

Who is this dude in the basement? Awwww, damn. Y’all gonna die. You’re in the basement and this dude is sending you to the attic. Oh, now he wants to come to his senses and try to get the hell out of Dodge. I thought Darius was really going to try to save this dude because he is that kind of guy. Why is he on the phone with Paper Boi while he’s still in the house? Awww, the U-HAUL is blocked. Ummm… my dude… pull the U- HAUL forward and put the piano in the truck.

Why is he going back into the house? Oh, now you wanna grab a weapon? My dude, you should’ve just forgotten about the piano at the sight of Khaleesi’s egg. No, not a home video with the creepy piano playing and Teddy just sitting in the dark like a creep.

This dude… no. You do not go to someone’s bathroom when his eyes get that wide- crazy eyes. Why would the bathroom be on the second floor? In that huge house, the only bathroom is upstairs? Aww man, he beat you to the attic. That’s a huge gun. Now you’re his sacrifice. So… real question, what are you supposed to do in situations like this?

Darius, man.You could’ve tried to knock the gun out of his hand. Teddy looks like a fragile man. A fragile man with a bobblehead and a strong chin. You could have pretended to shackle yourself and just ran and kicked the barrel of that gun up. This is TV. You’re supposed to be clear-headed in times of crisis!

That’s right, Darius, have a conversation with this troubled man. Humanize yourself a little bit. Aww man, Teddy ain’t buying it, but yasss! Come THROUGH BENNY! Awww damn, Benny… no, BENNY!

OK, so now what happens with the piano? How did the police get there if Darius put his phone down? Did he drag himself and that chair up the stairs to get his phone? Did he take my advice and never actually shackle himself to that chair?

Darius is really sitting in the U-HAUL sad because he didn’t get the piano. Then he pulls off for his ride back home. What a traumatic day. You drove all the way out to Armitage Land, you never got to drink your water, lived through Get Out 2, then watched two people die, and you still didn’t get your piano. To top it off, I hope that Stevie Wonder song made Darius realize that he could have pulled the truck forward and put the piano inside earlier and been good. He would have his piano, Teddy would be sitting at home, weird and alone, watching home videos, Benny would've been chilling in the basement doing arithmetic on his chalkboard, and all would have been right in the in the world. Poor, Darius. Donald Glover is a genius.

Read. Comment. Share.