I Am My Own Goals
Updated: Apr 18, 2018
Thanksgiving was a reminder that I don't express my thankfulness enough, and there is so much to be thankful for. Always. Can we talk about how thankful I am that I cooked twice this week? I have been working like mad (and that is a HUGE understatement), but I made the perfect pound cake on Wednesday, and a dope pot of curry chicken on Saturday (it was nothing close to Doris's or Auntie Jean's, but it hit the spot).
Sometimes, I have to take a moment to rest, recover, play my favorite jams, listen to my favorite podcasts, hang my favorite art, and do everything I can to remind myself of my dopeness. I feel so empowered looking back over these past couple of weeks and seeing how much I've started, completed, and done simply because I've had to. I worked jobs that I didn't want to, awakened at hours too early after working too late into the night, and I'm learning to understand that not everyone understands the necessary hustle it takes to do it all.
This week, my parents reminded me that it's been a while since I've called them. I have some friends that I used to speak to daily who haven't heard from me as often either. I hate the excuse of being busy because I believe that you can always find time for the people and things that you want. It just so happens that the uninterrupted time that I have usually falls in the middle of the night or during the short walks from my car to my destination. It's not that I have to constantly be on my phone while I'm in transit, it's that those short moments have become my only availability to catch up. It sucks to feel like I'm missing quite a bit- babies, marriages, and simple relaxation- but I also feel like missing out from afar is part of the roughness of this chapter.
Some call it "adulting", some call it "life", but I'm calling these past few months a continuous lesson in remaining intentional, focused, and handling the BS that comes along with it. I'm thankful that I have this time to learn while I'm solo, grounded, and whole. I'm thankful that I get to learn the academic side while also realizing that I AM MY OWN GOALS.
I've always aspired to achieve and be excellent without comparing myself to others, and I am definitely at that point. I won't go into the minute details of each and every thing that I have been through (because, let's be real, there are about 10 other post subjects in the past week alone), but I have learned that struggle is a relatively new concept for me. I've often misconstrued the reality of struggle with independence and responsibility, and as I grow through living and being present, I've come to see that taking responsibility for the things that I want in life is hard. Being independent is hard. Doing things because I know that they are necessary to have it all is hard when "having it all" isn't put in perspective. Sometimes I do feel like I'm struggling through, but I have never experienced struggle without support, redemption, or some kind of additional help, and for that I am thankful.
So, as I grow, I continue to thank God for bringing me through all types of mess to become my own goals. I may have to juggle a few side hustles, cry sometimes when trouble is in my way, miss my family, delay some plans, and live much of my life holding onto the hope that everything goes up from here, but I am also a hard worker who knows how to power through the longest days without letting anyone see me break down or break a sweat. I am the smile that enters rooms even when I'm looking forward to nothing more than a restful sleep at the end of the day. I am the conscious, woke, bold, educated voice in conversations that used to make me feel uncomfortable. I can make a mean cake, cook a good curry, and paint abstract pieces that make you dizzy from staring too long- all while wearing heels that make me stand more than 6 feet tall, or in my favorite sweatshirt. I am a student and I always will be, but I also aspire to be a virtuous wife and mother, and learning to balance my spirit, family, relationships, school, work, and everything else that life brings along have prepared me to seriously consider those next chapters for myself.
I can look around and see what other people are experiencing, decisions they are making, and how they are living. I can scroll through my social media pages and buy into the facade of constant happiness and perfection, but I choose instead to remain focused on me. I've done a lot, and I am proud of myself for doing what I have wanted to do, but my life is about more than that. No matter how many degrees I have, how much money I make, or how many people hype me up, I have peace in being whole. I am happy with where my life is and where it seems to be going. I am able to thrive on my own and I thank God for that because I could not imagine living for the sake of validation right now. I'm thankful for God helping me realize that I come first- my heart, my peace, my soul, my life matters. If I want to help anyone else realize that about themselves, I have to believe and LIVE it for myself first.
Thank God for dopeness. Thank God for empowerment. Thank God for the hustle. Thank God for the rough patches. Thank God for lessons. Thank God for resilience. Thank God for wholeness. Thanking God made me who I wanted to be- my own goals.